Saturday, February 4, 2012

Indianapolis Colts Trade Peyton Manning to Debt Super Committee for $24 Million

Search for any recent news on the Debt Super Committee which was formed to cut $1.2 trillion from the government’s budget by the end of November 2011 and you won’t find much. You will find they did fail to agree on any budget cuts. Because of the failure, the next step is mandatory across-the-board cuts which will start in 2013 by cutting defense spending and social programs.

Enter Peyton Manning and his strategic style. Sources say the Colts who owe Manning around $24 million really don’t want to pay the man since his neck surgery even if Peyton himself feels like he could play again.  The solution? Why not put an effective strategist into an open position in the government and pay the giver of that solution (the Colts) a mere $24 million for the deal. Sounds fair right?

Peyton will do an excellent job in my opinion and most likely he won’t cut any senior benefits since his parents are well, getting up there in age. He’d probably cut other items however, including:

Government Offices – There are just too many of these. I mean Peyton will tell you in football, there’s one locker room for the team and that’s it—one. Even Peyton realizes not all government workers can be stuffed into one office, but putting senators and congress folks in quad-like cubicles would be just fine. The President would simply have to share the Oval Office with the Vice President. Actually, there’s a lot of rooms at the White House that could be put to good use much as they were when Lincoln was President.

Car-Pooling – Enough of the free limo pickups for government officials. Peyton’s plan is to buy American-made minivans, coordinate start and leave times and make government workers and politicians share the ride so to speak. This would be devastating to the limo biz but would save Americans tons of bucks.

One Dress Code – NFL teams all wear the same uniform so why not government workers and those voted into office? Dark khaki in the winter and tan khaki in summer – the same pant suit whether you are a man or woman. Peyton does think the President and Vice President should wear bright orange so they would stand out. I’m confused by this since it would make them sitting ducks but on the other hand, they would be hard to find in a crowd and it would make it impossible for them to govern if not noticed. Wait, are they even governing now? Hmm?

Helmets – NFL players are required to wear helmets while playing and practicing. This is just smart for our government leaders who bang heads all the time. Keep them safe and just as in the NFL, if a leader is caught not wearing his or her helmet while “in play” they get fined. Peyton predicts many fines and these funds could be used to manufacture these helmets.

Luxuries – Items like HD televisions, wide screens, sound systems, excessive computers and laptops, smartphones and ostentatious furniture or art will all be given to poor Americans who in turn, can sell them or keep them. All our leaders should be allowed are a few phones, a couple computers and pencils and paper. Peyton feels pencils are better than pens because you can erase ideas written in pencil and these days no ideas are ever agreed on by both parties anyway.

Pensions – While Peyton will tell you NFL players are the first to fight to the death for their pensions once they retire, he, like many Americans feel the retirement benefit government workers and leaders receive are over the top. It’s not like they are fighting in a battlefield nor are they likely to receive any sort of long-term injury while on the job. Just give them what all seniors get when they retire and don’t forget to inform them of the sign-up deadline for their supplemental HMO plan.

Terms – Even Peyton knows a job doesn’t last forever and it just makes sense a senior senator or congress person would get a higher salary than a junior counterpart. The solution here is to say 6 years and you’re out. If you can’t do anything good for the country in 6 years, then you shouldn’t be allowed to get your name back on the ticket. Young and fresh is best.

Sources say this trade is worth the $24 million, especially since Peyton Manning is masterful when he has to make quick decisions on the field. Here, his “playing” field will be larger yes—but that doesn’t mean he can’t use his noodle and skills to get the job done. And, the Colts will too—they will gain $24 million to go with their top draft pick and they can basically use the money to make Colts fans happy everywhere.

Awesome right?

Note: This story is from the imagination of the author and is purely fictional, but it would be nice if something  such as this could happen!

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